i wish i could sew

[warning-this is just a rant, so skip it if you're not in the mood for my cynicism today]

i can't bring myself to order custom clothes for a newborn, but i'm close today. gender socialization starts at birth, and it's driving me nuts!

when Morgan was born, our whole world turned pink (with a dash here and there of lilac purple). i'm not fond of the colors, but that's just an odd preference. what really drove me crazy were the teeny little onsies that said "Future Princess" or "Diva-To-Be." seriously, is there no other option for our daughters besides Paris Hilton and Beyonce? ugh.

now i'm having a boy in a few days, so our world is turning blue and red. the color part is easier because i happen to like blue and red much better than i like pink and purple. but still - "Lil' Sport" and onsies covered in cars and trucks and baseball bats. i'm not opposed to him being a "future quarterback" i suppose, if it is what he chooses. apparently, though, our first and highest hope for our sons as a culture is to become an over-paid professional athlete.

when will we learn?! how many women in your life or in media to you admire who actually grew up to be a "princess"? how many men do you really look up to for being stereotypically "macho"?

i know - the clothes don't determine all. and yes - there are other options (i saw a site for onsies for "Baby Geeks," but they were about $20 a pop). so i guess i'm asking for help from you friends of mine to help me show my daughter and my son that there are other expressions of masculine and feminine that are worth aiming for.

gratitude

not just once, but two times this weekend my family and i were honored with showers for Baby Boy Strebeck. today, i was just so grateful. for community. friendship.

grace.

shoulda picked a different title

i'm still hoping i eventually have "something intriguing" to fill in as the title of my blog. so far, it seems i should have picked "amateur exploration of the psychology of blogging."

80+% of bloggers say they write about their "life and experiences." (in case you care, the rest write about politics, technology, entertainment and celebrities, and religion). the first is a pretty broad category. my life and experiences.... what in that is blog-worthy?

i think i've ruled out reporting about "day to day" stuff here in the blog. several people who are actually a part of that day-to-day stuff ask me regularly to tell them how i'm feeling, how school is going for Ryan, and my latest cute-kid story about Morgan, and i am deeply grateful that i have those people who care enough to ask. i recognize it is not a given - many people don't get asked those questions enough or ever. for those of you who faithfully find my life important enough to warrant a phone call or conversation, thank you.

i can't exactly describe what i do want to write. maybe the things that get lost in the reporting of "day to day" things. things that we all want to talk about, but never quite get to. things you may not have time to listen to every time we talk, or things i have to leave out for lack of time or courage...

one thing, so far seems clear. it's partly a confession, partly an expression of a hope: part of me - a dangerous, insecure, subversive part - wants you to read this blog and be drawn to me. that part hopes for your approval, appreciation, and understanding above all else. this i confess because it will inevitably infect my writing (and talking and generally living). but the hope i have - for my writing and talking and listening and praying and parenting and loving and generally living - is that my desire for your approval would fade, at least, and maybe even die in the light of my desire to know God, and for you to know Him.

it makes me nervous to state that hope. what if i fail? but there's the dangerous me talking again...

telling the truth

sounds like a quaint idea. like a lesson i'll teach Morgan soon. like the crescendo of a good Sunday School lesson.

but it's hard! as i sat to write my Second Blog today, i tried to figure out how to present the ME i want the blogging world to know. i wouldn't lie outright - i heard to many of those Sunday School lessons to do that. it's more subtle - untruth by omission or slant or slight of hand...

i think first of what i want you, faithful reader of both of my entries so far, to know about me. that's followed almost immediately and most urgently by what i do NOT want you to know about me.... i wonder: how can i be funny without being trite? how can i seem smart without seeming like a know-it-all? can i write with both depth and playfulness - or do those cancel each other? how do i let them know i LOVE being a mom without being dismissed as Betty Crocker with nothing to contribute to conversation about things other than feeding schedules and diapers? can i talk about the things i passionately hope for the world to know about my Jesus, or is it spitting into the wind to post another among the billions of blogs (many better than mine) that you could read? am i a good enough writer to do justice to the things that make my heart beat every day?

kudos to all of you brave bloggers who have put yourselves out there for all the world to read, if they like. it's an odd tension i feel between wanting to be known and NOT wanting to be found out. it's the web-based version of relational risk, i guess - the same questions that race through my mind (as somewhat less articulated fears) every time i talk with friends or read to my daughter or pray...

should i even post this blog? it's odd to start my self-revelation by acknowledging my own insecurities and my temptation to deceive in order to cover them up....

gulp.... here goes!

could i just skip this one?

i don't know what to write on my First Blog. i don't think i could say anything that hasn't already been said 1000 times on 1000 other First Blogs. i can't think of anything comprehensive enough to tell you what i want to write about, because i don't really know. i could tell you about me, but chances are, if you're reading this at all, you know me already. so.... since i can't think of anything to say, i'm just gonna skip the whole First Blog bit. i'll write again later, and we can both just pretend that my First Blog was clever, intriguing, insightful, honest, and beautifully written, k?

thanks!