how I really am

I'm keeping another blog about my son Athan, and we are trying to keep the content primarily about him and his progress. I think anyone who wants to know more about me and my thoughts and reflections will be reading this blog, too. So for those if you who have been asking, this is the best I can do to explain how I'm really doing:

The following is cut-n-paste from the other blog and from an e-mail I wrote (with some editing), plus a little original stuff added in:

Today, I feel such relief. I know we have a hard road ahead, but any road ahead is a good one when you had to consider the possibility of having to bury your baby. It is still frightening and sad to hear some of the things Athan might have to deal with for his whole life, but he IS going to have a whole life. I'm just so very glad for that!

As we told some friends today, the time of panic has subsided. I don't feel overwhelmed like I did at first. I'm first and foremost relieved that Athan is alive and thriving! I can't help but smile each time he is able to come off of a med or loose another tube or get a positive report on morning rounds. When it comes to walking out all that this will mean for our family, the best word for how I feel is "resolute." We can do this. Athan can do this. Leaning heavily on our Jesus and His church, we can keep walking (or running or limping or crawling) this out. I know there will probably be times when I'm overwhelmed again, but we can face that, too. And the other word for how I feel is just "sad." I know Athan can do this, and I'm grateful that he is alive and has the opportunity to do it. But I am also immensely sad for my little boy because he has to do this. He's just a little boy.

The hardest times are thinking about yesterday and tomorrow.

About yesterday - mostly the guilt. Ryan, too. "Surely I could have/should have/would have done something differently." Waited longer to stop using birth control. Stayed in Texas so Leah could deliver and we'd be closer to home. Tried harder to take care of myself during pregnancy. Refused the nausea drugs. Or taken them sooner. Exercised more or rested more or prayed more. Made different decisions between 3 a.m. and 7 a.m. the day after he was born. I know it's all fruitless. Especially right now. But I can't always shut it off.

About tomorrow - how can spend all the time Athan will require without losing Morgan? Will I be able to get him to take his meds at home? Hospital bills and cost of meds he'll may be on his whole life? Long-term effects on his body and development, and therefore his whole life? What does this mean about our plans - stay in school? move home? buy a house? Ryan get a job here? finish school, but slower? or pursue a whole different vocation? or stay mostly the same?

When I think about today, relieved, resolute and sad are really what I feel. And when I'm able to be still for a minute, I am usually gently reminded to give yesterday and tomorrow to Him again. and again and again and again. and again.