just to have something new

When I wait a long time to post, I begin to feel pressure that the next one be really, really good. But it might not be, so I don't write. So here's a new post just to break the silence. Now maybe I can just write something. Pressure's off.

a medical problem?

i'm creatively constipated. there's a bottleneck in my right brain caused by lack of sleep and time and the existential dread i feel as the holiday season threatens to come again. i can't decide what to get anyone for Christmas. i can't decide which of the 34 ideas for blogs i should choose. i can't decide what to fix my daughter for dinner. all of the options for all of the above seem urgent about winning the race out of my brain, thus the traffic jam.

i think Morgan has eaten 5 PBJs this week, so far you're all getting Ale 8 for Christmas, and evidently i can only manage a barely-clever blog about not knowing what else to blog about.

this is my effort to take a mental laxative. i'm gonna go make Morgan some mac-n-cheese. i'll try for a better blog next time. :)

my Bibles...

i got the idea for this post from Chad (here), who reports that it is a current trend in the blogosphere to write about your bible (or bibles). i don't have the time to chase all those links, so i'll just have to trust him that we're not the only two. :)

there are 2 special bibles in my life. the one in the picture is my burgundy, bonded leather Zondervan NIV Thinline i have carried for years. i think i "borrowed" the bible from my Mom's collection when i was in junior high (without much protest from her - i suspect it was one of her many failed attempts to lay aside her clunky study bible), and i've carried it since then. i study often from other translations, and defense of the NIV is not the hill i'll die on. even if there are better translations out there, this bible feels like an old friend that isn't just set aside for the newer/bigger/better thing. it also has quite a story of its own:

it survived the turbulence of belonging to a teenager, including a fire (i left a candle burning too near the stack of books/papers it was in - the gilded edges of the pages are now blackened edges), a puppy (that used the corners as a chew toy), and being left in almost every pew or chair i sat in for years. in high school, i left it sitting the bumper of my pick-up. it fell off, and i backed over it, causing most of the new testament to separate from the binding and fall out. still, it was my bible. so i sent it off to be rebound. the underlines and notes in many places reflect my immature faith of that time, as well. that could be a whole different essay...

for the next few years my bible primarily collected dust, only to be rattled to life as the customary sunday morning accessory on the rare occasion i went to church. then, through a series of bad decisions with big consequences (including calling off a wedding, among others), this prodigal son returned home. my bible became more than a paper weight. i was starving for the Word, and the Life i found in it rescued me from me. my enthusiasm for Scripture has waxed and waned since then, i confess, and even in writing this testimony, my memory prompts me to return to my first Love...

the other special bible in my life is actually not mine at all. it's my mom's - the aforementioned clunky study bible (NIV with the o-so-early-80's dusty rose cover). when the bottom fell out of my life, i knew to look to the Lord via Scripture for something solid and lasting because i had seen my mother do so for years. it is the only possession of hers i hope to inherit someday because it speaks to the legacy she has given me more than anything else ever could. in all the ups and downs and plains of her life, she has pointed me (and countless others) to the One the Scripture reveals.

what are the important bibles to you? leave a comment or let me know if you post about your bible.

chapel

a choir of international students and spouses sang a simple little chorus in chapel on thursday. something about living and walking in the Light. we sang it in English, Spanish, and one of the African languages (I couldn't begin to guess which one).

i cried. not sad tears. happy tears. celebratory tears. it felt so eternal. "every tongue and tribe and nation..." including me, for which i'm thankful. so much bigger than me, for which i am also thankful.

i guess that's all this post is about. the gratitude. i wish you could have been there...

both!

it sucks to try to be nice to my husband sometimes. he won't let me. i know, it sounds odd. but read on...

if you were raised anywhere near a church (and probably even if you weren't), you've heard that "it is more blessed to give than to receive." Paul says that Jesus said it (Acts 20). Paul himself had exemplified that tenet while in Ephesus, as per his report in that chapter. it seems straightforward enough.

but lately this particular idea has been a source of confusion and frustration. it is more blessed to give than to receive. ok, but in order for there to be a gift, there must be a recipient. someone has to do some receiving, or the whole thing doesn't work. especially when Christians serve one another (per Galatians 6:10), we end up chasing one another in a circle trying to be the "more blessed" one by giving more and never receiving, thereby robbing our brothers and sisters of the opportunity to give. do you see the illogic at work here?!

imagine this: two boys go outside to play catch. simple enough. except something isn't working. they both brought a ball, and each insists that his ball be used for catch. they both throw, and the balls roll around wildly because no one is focused on catching. the game isn't fun for very long, i'd imagine. unless you just turn it from cooperative interaction into a competition and see who can throw better or farther or with greater accuracy or something.

and - sticking with the silly sports analogy for a sec - it is actually much more difficult to catch than throw. my daughter has been able to chunk her toys across a room for some time now, but she still can't catch anything.

i get the necessity for the assertion that it is more blessed to give than receive. i need that reminder often, because i am selfish more often than i am not (especially when it comes to my time, but that's another post). but i propose that it has become equally necessary to remind ourselves that gratitude is as essential as generosity. it requires much discipline and humility to just let someone give me a gift and be thankful (without rehearsing just exactly how i am going to give something back to them so as not to lose the competition).

but i do want to be grateful as much as i want to be generous. the absence of one may well cancel the other out - or at least transform it into something else entirely. generosity that denies reciprocity becomes smug, condescending, and/or competitive. it has to be mutual. and gratitude without generosity becomes greedy and selfish. together, though, they point to a rhythmic exchange that is mutually edifying, i think. i hope. and i need my family and my community to require both from me.

to create

my friend Chad is quite the artist - especially when technology and art intesect. my friend Josh is amazing with a paint brush or pencil in hand. my other friend Josh, my sis-in-law Brittany, and my mother-in-law blow me away with what they can capture with a camera. my brother Jeremy can brew his own beer. Sarah knits. Hannah sews. Dru makes "Rummy Royal" games for all her friends and teaching aids for her AND her sister. my husband can make anything he wants out of wood. Cindy writes songs, and she can make anything short of afternoon tea sprout and flourish in her garden.

i don't make anything. or didn't. but i want that to change. i want to learn. to try. mostly i haven't tried because i haven't been brave enough to try things i'm not already good at. it has taken me 28 years to recognize this ridiculous fear of failure as ridiculous. i've not conquered it, but i'm trying.

so.... i painted. it was a perfect perfectionist's first project: decor for a child's room. that way when the pictures turn out to look like they were done by a child, it's ok! :)

anyway, they're hanging on the wall above Morgan's bed. and they're terrible. but i painted! :)

i know i promised, but...

i said i wouldn't subject you to my poetry, so forgive me going back on my word. i also suck at HTML, so just pretend that the dashes are tabs. :)

Mark 9:24 (for the Venables and Athan)


a bird by-
----tip of branch
----in tip of beak;
i search sky-
----ink in hand
----to write or speak
words?

my son sleeps-
----unaware
----of heart's pale beat;
my friends weep-
----spent eyes there.
----in need we seek
prayer.

clouds roll through-
----sun and shade,
----so faith and fear;
seeking You
----words evade.
----be Healer near
please